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Here's Some Jokes For Ya'll

** A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they
advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he
pleased since they  would be out until quite late.  The couple went to the ball and dinner. After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.
      So, the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out
on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She asked him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear:
"Take off my dress...."
"Now, take off my bra."
"Next, remove my shoes and socks."
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted:

 "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office
worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,
LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked  "What if you want them to
come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they
all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he
asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

Bumper stickers:

 1.  Constipated people don't give a poop.
 2.  Get off my bumper before I Brake you.
 3.  If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
 4.  No mooning please you are an ugly butt.
 5.  Yes my car is beat up I am a drummer.
 6.  Backseat Driver aboard that's why I am nervous.
 7.  If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could
drive a little better.
 8.  My kid got all A's in dumbness.
 9.  My car doesn't smoke I do.
10.  Where am I going anyway.
11.  If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else
and seek counseling.
12.  All over the road driver at the wheel.
13.  If you can read this; I've lost my trailer.
14.  Horn broken, that's why I am jelling at you.
15.  If you could drive we would all be safer.

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director
to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local
cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher
started early but quickly got himself lost, making several
wrong turns.

He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight,
and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid
already in place.  Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the
workmen say: "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"
 

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new
territory.  He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a
chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horse dung all over
the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up
that horse dung, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned
on yet. Do you want tomato sauce on that or would you prefer mustard?"

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and
buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue
you a warning.  You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.

That's fine.  Another thing, ma'am.  I don't like the way
that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one
of his testicles.  I consider that animal abuse.  That's
cruelty to animals.  Have your husband take care of that
right away!

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about
her encounter with the cop.  Well, dear, what exactly did
he say?

He said the reflector is broken.

I can fix that in two minutes.  What else?

I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...

An extremely shy and very modest man was in the
hospital for a series of  tests, the last of which had
left his digestive system upset.

Upon  making  several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided that the latest  was another false alarm, so he stayed put in his bed. He suddenly filled  his  bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Loosing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed  sheets, and  threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets
landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and
swinging  his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets
in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a
security guard who had watched the whole incident
walked up and asked, "What was that all about?"

Still staring down at his feet, the drunk replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

© 2006 Goop Entertainment, Inc.

" All graphics have their own individual © not affiliated with Goop Entertainment or Cramer Managment Group LTD."